I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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