i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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