Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
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