You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize
