I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
