I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
