While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
