i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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