when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
