found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
