i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
