Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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