if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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