the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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