Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
