im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
