my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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