omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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