i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
