Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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