i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
