is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
