thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
