Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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