The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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