My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
