well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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