My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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