I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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