Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need to sanitize my soul.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
