So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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