The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
3pm strippers are depressing
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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