You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
