My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
