I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
