the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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