Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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