chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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