Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
