I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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