Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
