I wish you could order shots online.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
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Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
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I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize