I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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