Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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