she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
