Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
