You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You have to summon your inner elephant
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
