3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
