we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
