The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
