So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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