Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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