I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
