Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
