Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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