don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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