If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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