Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
